Just puked in the monkey exhibit at the zoo. They ate it. I don't want a pet monkey anymore.
I made my rape whistle into a roach clip device. FRESHMAN YEAR!
apparently the bartender would rather give me free shots than tell me that my whole nipple piercing was hanging out
Second night spent with creepy guy. I either need to change his nickname or stop doing this.
We just shotgunned beers for America
She's like the Michael Jordan of alcoholism
hanging out with you guys is like living the wikipedia entry for drugs...not sure i can handle that tonight.
Do you think that my Facebook profile picture kinda look like im being raped by a 10 foot polar bear ?
He recognized me by my ass from about 15 yards away. I must have a REALLY nice ass.
I'm gonna go ahead and say I love our drinking habits but anytime we roundhouse a 750 of Schnapps on the way to a non competitive bowling league we might have problems
If she gets mad at me, that only means more free time for me. I like to put myself I win win situations. Despite being in a relationship, I still find ways to accomplish my goals.
I think getting right with the Lord should involve more than me and a bottle of tequila.
He turned on read receipts specifically so i'd know he was ignoring me.
I was so drunk I got stuck in the middle of a revolving door
when she didn't finish her burrito you wanted to call the cops because you said it was neglect
Randomize
