So it's 11:24am. I've had sex twice and been laid 3 times. I love holidays!
I understand the whole sex thing but did you really get laid or is that synonymous for more alcohol?????
Honestly.
Don't say a word.
I hate seeing commercials about babies when i'm high
Yeah, I don't like babies at all
I wish my grandma would stop using the phrase "he pulled out" when she's talking about her contractor quitting his job.
I'm eating my dinosaur chicken nuggets in the order they would die in the food chain.
there should be laws that require people like to me to be on birth control.
this just proves how much faith i have in "us".. what should we be for halloween..?
Doing Jager Bombs on a Sunday morning is justified...How else is my team going to win?
The plan is that you eat an edible first, then pressure your dad to do one. You know you are down.
Really stoned me is having a very serious, intent conversation with my mom about egg rolls and koolaid flavors.
Nope, had to pee on the side got violated by tall grass. Then someone came around the corner and I had to stop mid pee to dive into the car.. Pants down
Update: That guy is no longer in the restroom, so he's probably not dead.
So you're mad that I let you go home with the guy with soft hands but yet you can't understand that I was just trying to help you
In a few weeks I'll be a beautiful butterfly and me and my cat will have to repopulate the earth. WE WILL REBUILD!!
Let's do something tonight. I feel like setting things on fire.
He's making me do the dishes for the next month and half because I shit in the bath tub...
Randomize
