My grandpa is talking about laundry and he asked if i could run a "small hot load." Wow. I had to leave the room.
I just followed up on a noise complaint...only to find 2 girls in bikinis covered in jello with beer cans everywhere. I couldn't bring myself to bust that party.
I want to be a cop.
Best. Four. Twenty. Ever.
Now they're talking about doing whiskey shots since they're flipping the turkey over. You might need to drive me home.
his mom gave me my lost underwear folded up along with the rest of my christmas present. tell me this cannot be happening.
Just remembered when I bought that round of shots I told the girls to "get their whore friend" who was making out with her bf instead of drinking. I don't know why they stayed.
Someone downtown drunkenly stole the antenna off of her car... while she was driving.
The only thing I'm asking santa for is my period.
And vodka?
And vodka.
There is a midget driving a powered tricycle around town. I am not drunk, stoned, or lying.
Sex in the moonbounce later?
This is why I love you.
Please tell me I didn't try to make out with a 70 year old Romanian man last night ...
all i know is there's a picture on my phone of him wearing my purple sweatpants and licking the bottom of my foot.
Do you think it would be a margarita if you just out tequila in a sonic slush?
My vagina has made plenty life decisions and I would like to point out very few if not any of them were in my favor.
You tried to stop drinking but then she started feeding you tequila with a spoon. You were like an adorable baby bird.
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