i'm pretty confident that i watched a woman making love to a german shepherd.
we sang an acapella version of barbara ann to his voicemail...i'm not drinking again until tuesday.
Do NOT cum in me, on me, or in my bed.
just opened a can of spagetti o's with a butter knife. the things u will do for food when ur stoned.
sometimes i think what itd be like to be a firework
Well he's not a stripper, so we're already doing better than my last date.
Yes perhaps we are both wrong. And did you call me bj girl?
He was having an allergic reaction to that new brand of vodka Eric brought, so he just started chasing with benadryl.. Talk about commitment.
You threw up with your ski mask on still.
Don't send the creepy guy a picture of your penis. That's my Christmas wish
I woke up this morning with a pop tart under my pillow with one bite eaten. Another pop tart was in the floor. No recollection whatsoever. I ate the one under my pillow for breakfast, though.
I'm watching Netflix with my cats and eating homemade bread. Everyone and everything can go and fuck itself.
Where are you? Where am I? Why am I so red?
I need a sign that says “please don’t make plans with me if I’ve had two or more drinks. I will regret them. I will have bitter feelings towards you. Then I will cancel and feel guilty.”
My body isnt used to all this fresh air, sun and booze....ok well maybe just the fresh air and sun...its used to the booze.
Randomize
