my best friend tried to rape me with a pineapple
I just wish we had the ability to download food from our TVs.
It's sad how good I am at giving people diseases
craigslist faux pas number 857, just got head in a disability bus.
he asked me to help him wrap his girlfriends birthday presents. Dont worry we fucked right after.
cracked out the beer snorkel again. that thing has a five for five record of getting me naked.
Don't make it weird, I don't think about you when I'm climaxing, it's just that I see you rooting me on.
Some guy just showed up at my door to return my bikini top. EXPLAIN NOW
It's awesome, he has so much more free time now that he's not screwing other girls behind my back
PAAAANTS ARE FOR AAAASSHOLES
my drivers license is super glued to my shoulder and im to hung over to get it off come and help me
Soooo we should kick it sometime when it's like light outside. Drink outta cups.. Be bitches. 7, 6, 3, 5.. 4, 2, 1... Sschhkiddaellladiieessscchk
Let's go get coffee and handcuffs.
Had a dream I went to Disney to visit you and then I got really drunk and puked all over these little kids in line
Maybe snorting K off penises isn't healthy
Randomize
