I'm not really that drunk, but I think vampires should glow in the dark because otherwise it's just unfair
Found more tequila
Do you know how hard it is to conceal the fact that you puked all over the bed that someone is sleeping in?
I will give you vagina for bag of have'a corn chips.
He said my breasts were God's way of making up to him for all the shit he's had to endure in his life.
I just watched a girl in the library pull a vodka bottle out of her bag. I think I'm going to give her my number.
On my way home I stopped at target and bought beer and galoshes. I am a planner.
He got arrested in front of the church last night. Looks like we need to find a new location for the wedding.
A pack of naked men just sprinted down the street screaming in German. It's 5 AM.
I mean nobody wants to admit they ate 9 cans of ravioli but i did and i am not ashamed of myself
My mom was looking at curtains for me and sent pictures and I had to be like "not the Disney princess pink and purple, more like an acid trip"
I never woulda thought that back in kindergarten playong kickball that'd i'd be 24 getting plastered in front of the white house and winning a kickball championship in a young adult drinking league
Remember the time you puked your contact lens out?
He wrote his entire dissertation last night. I can only imagine the frightening amount of headway he would make if he ever did things sober.
It's such a sad loss when a hot guy finds Jesus and grows a neckbeard
He showed up at my house with roses and a bottle of vodka... to watch a movie. obvi i took the vodka and didn't sleep with him
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