You asked the waitress for a vasectomy and handed her a butter knife, like you were ordering something from the menu
i dont think the girl sending me nudes is qualified to pass judgement on me
watching my parents drink 4 loko out of usf cups playing pool and rocking out to ACDC...
Can I come live with you?
I mean I woke up wearing my bathing suit which blows my mind
So apparently the christmas orgy was a complete disaster
She is putting glow sticks from her bedroom to the bathroom. She is calling it 'Being prepared'. God help us all tonight...
If she makes a move, pretend to have a seizure.
She was lying on the table chugging back something when the table broke
She kept going
I want to get back to junior year skinny- without all the drugs.
This dudes playing guitar and singing outside our window and he's like "ravioli is beterrrrrrr than tortelliniIii cause tortelliniiii is shaped like fucking ears"
His Instagram is like a gay porn blog all of the sudden got conquered by the Mormon missionary that he is
Dicks are not precious.
My mom purposely got me drunk so I can stay at her house bc "we don't spend enough time together." I blacked out anyway, so we didn't spend time together regardless.
I just found an entire bag of French fries under the seat of my car labeled "For emergency use only" drunk me is always planning ahead.
death, taxes, and me drunk texting you are 3 certainties in life
Randomize
