Tonight was like the Noah's Ark of alcohol. I had to have two of everything.
I replied to the university automated mass text about the armed robbery at the on-campus Starbucks with a sad face. Basically sums up my night.
yes, we have a friends with benefits thing. i found out he had never 69'd, done anal or had a threesome. i told him i was going to rock his world.
and what did he say?
there were no words. he looked like a kid on christmas morning.
Please tell me why 'cock-a-thon' was auto saved in my phone.
You stole a frozen pizza from the freezer, stuffed it in the back of your shirt then proceeded to leave the party.
Is there a fine for having sex in the back of a zipcar?
Well were gunna have to wash the couch cover now...maybe even the couch, soap or fire your decision
Is eating fries while lying on the floor bad for you?
If I choke and die at least I will have been doing something I love
Is the Chairman of the College Republicans throwing upon your toilet right now? 'Murica!
I didn't know your ex looked like a male Khloe Kardashian?
He should know he can't successfully wrestle in pudding fully clothed. Amateur.
I am going to go Miley Cyrus crazy if I don't get sex soon
Headline in the alligator: young zeta goes berserk after lack of sex and is found naked swinging from wrecking ball on university ave, refuses to get down until sex partner is found
The only way I'll cross anything off my to do list today is if I write 'eat melted cheese' on it
If you don't wanna wax my ass just say so.
It’s official. I’ve hooked up with all three brothers now
You should go after Dad now
I should! He’s definitely middle age fuckable
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