Tall, dark & handsome can suck my short, pale & awkward dick.
Omg just saw this kid I went to elementary school with at the bar and he used to be cool and I was so awkward but now I have boobs so I WIN.
He fingered me while we both sang the fresh prince theme song.
Marry him
i was thoroughly upset that he did not want to be my number 16, who passes that number up?
Sometimes I think I have so much sex with you to be sure you're actually straight.
Indoor beer darts at Rafs just turned into a trust exercise of putting your hand on the wall and closing your eyes while the other throws.. Almost gave Cale a Tracheotomy
No, we will not be going out tonight. We are trying to grow the toy donkey in whiskey rather than water. Serious fucking science. Have fun at the boring bar while we Bill Nye it up in this bitch.
Pictures of drunk me in a bike helmet are like McDonald's collectible toys. There's sooo many, but NO ONE has seen all of them.
Also, my aunt grabbed my phone and downloaded the scriptures. Apparently I need Jesus.
I miss her, but also fucked her ex boyfriend.... So there's that
Yeah you burned that bridge with your vagina
You're talking about alcohol when the smell of hand sanitizer is too much for me right now
I've decided to take one for the team and bang the landlady for lower rent.
Thank you. I woke up with a beard hair in my mouth. Super classy.
It's times when I'm naked but also want to be platonically social that I miss you the most.
he ended the message XOXO, who the fuck does he think he is GossipGirl.
Randomize
