I just fell asleep with a sandwich in my mouth at Cosi..people definitely saw
She asked if my windows were tinted enough for road head.
when are you leaving homes?
it's 7:51. why the fuck are you awake at 7:51
I had a sex dream about Oprah.
go back to sleep
dude. it was a sex dream. about. Oprah.
When I came home you were using a glowstick to eat peanut butter from the jar.
Tim said I dropped my taco in a puddle and still ate it.
Home, forcing the cats to make out. Someone should get some.
You need to come over. I cant get her to stop eating honey mustard straight from the squeeze bottle
Because he's your one night stand I shouldn't feel obligated to extend social media to him
in other news i'm homewrecking via instagram
We smoked a bowl in front of the abortion clinic shouting Obama at the protestors.
I'm surprised they let us keep partying at that hotel bar, that's like the 3rd time I've had to try blocking the view of him peeing off the balcony. I earn my free drinks.
almost dropped my phone in the toilet but it somehow bounced off my tit and landed on the floor. Boobs: saving me hundreds of dollars in bar tabs and smartphones since '09
ill be home in an hour. Be in my bed ready for disappointment
Well the streak is over, I saw a penis today
yep, just sat in the backseat of my car for about five minutes looking for the vodka soaked underwear,when i came to the realization that i really gotta start getting my shit together..
Randomize
