I just saw a midget ride by on a scooter...wearing a bowtie and a helmet. My life is complete.
it's so much work when my dad takes my car to get fixed, i had to take out the bottles, condoms, and my pipe
"I never want to have to say, 'Please don't squirt me with your breast milk' again.
A very small part of me wants you to appreciate me for more than just my breasts. But the rest of me is breasts.
Half of elefante. Gelafin galaxy
He needs to stop telling me how much he respects me. What does that even mean
Heaven was on the 3rd floor and Hell was on the first. When the cop walked up he was confused as to who the noise complaint was for and wrote both apartments a noise violation.
I'm sooo hungover. I fell asleep on top of a car in a parking lot last night. New one to add to the list.
Drunk at work, covered in Cheetos is no way to go through life.
I found Cheetos.
Oprah Winfrey is a jealous, vengeful god
You're going to hell! And you're going to hell! And you! And you. You're all going to hell!!!
Someone brought brownies to work and I was skeptical to eat one then I remembered I was at work and there is no way there is weed in them. Haha I'm blaming you for that.
I smoked all his weed and he hasn't noticed yet. But I might need a place to crash when he does
he accidentally put it in my ass, i liked it but didn't tell him that and "accidentally" took his weed.
"Because this is an ongoing legal matter" is how his morning after sex text began. So...
The day will come again young grasshopper. For now you must complete your training of patience and tongue biting
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