just witnessed a squirrel raping another squirrel. i couldn't look away.
You kept hiding marshmallows in the freezer saying "they would never think to look here"
i might even pee on it at walmart i am so nervous
nothing worse than sitting down ready for a solid porn sesh to find out your internet is out. comcast owes me a handjob
Drunk versus high capture the flag: what team is everybody gonna be on?
Remember when you tried to pay that stripper to cry on stage?
The entire time I'm blowing him she's in the back seat lecturing me on the reasons why you're not suppose to do that while they're driving...
And dildos are 35% off. So. Ya know. Savings.
Starting the day with sex, coffee and productivity are what the founding fathers intended
Yeah, last night in the parking lot was hot. I'm sure whoever has the surveillance tapes thinks so too.
I'll get tired halfway through and end up passed out at a taco shack honestly
I never thought my selfie stick would come in handy for nudes.
So what's it like to be pregnant?
It feels like I'm hungover and when I was drunk I was kicked off a mechanical bull and then trampled.
I just sold Adderall to a priest, im not quite sure how I feel about this situation
I apparently ooze single. The second I left his house after break up sex five of my old booty calls text me
Randomize
