I didn't shave. On purpose
I feel like I just won at life, no connection sex and free 12 pack of beer after. Does life give out trophies, if so I want a big one.
I love the moment a guy admits defeat against the front clasping bra.
Needless to say they were not happy to find out that we braided their hair together, when one of them woke up needing to puke bad
Dude I'm looking through my old high school year book and I circled every girl I fucked.. what was wrong with me.
White grape blunt wraps are like the equivalent of a glass of wine in a tux.
Hey to make you feel better about last night, I just shit my pants.
This breakup hit defcon 5. Walked to pathmark with a denim jacket over my nightgown to get ben and jerrys. On sale btw.
According to the red cross, I'm not suppose to do anything strenuous for the next 24 hours. That means you're on top.
I can only use one eye at a time. And if I want to listen, I have to close both of them.
My frontal lobe is being piloted by Jack Daniels right now.
He had a cruise ship of a dick and I need to set sail on that ocean again
You sat on me. Like I was a toilet. While I was on the toilet. You peed a little.
I know her cup size but not her name....
You abruptly started screaming because they had and I quote “calamari on the hoof”
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