i just saw a man dusting the fake palm trees at the mall
...welcome to nebraska
She had to put it in. I told her I was too drunk and didnt trust myself to not put it in her ass.
So I put about 15 worms in the cuervo bottle. I don't think that's how it works but I feel like hallucinating by 11am
our night together was a product of my beer goggles and jennifer aniston-like desperation.
They were lying down in the parking garage pretending to be speed bumps...
Nothing like a marijuana chart of usage in each country to make me understand math.
I'm starting to think you fell asleep on your kitchen floor pantless with salsa spilt around you
He needs to seriously stop texting me at 3am for sex. Late night and early morning hours are for the guys who DON'T bust a nut in the first 5 minutes of making out.
Yeah minute men are best for late afternoons when you're inbetween running errands and have nothing to do.
getting busted for public urination is like, a step above j-walking. you'll be fine
We were having sex in the gardens when the grounds keeper walked up on us. He gave me a thumbs up and walked away
that's the second time I've made out with him and woken up with my pants stuffed with PBRs I am convinced he's magic
WAIT MOM THIS DOESNT NEED TO BE A FAMILY EVENT OK AARON DOESNT NEED TO BE AROUND FOR NIPPLEGATE 2014
did I ever tell you about my gay jesus theory?
You were so drunk last night that you fell thru the bathroom door at the bar, ripping it off the hinges in the process. But, your birthday tiara stayed on thru the whole thing. I'd call it a succcessful evening. Happy birthday kiddo!
I just sent a Slack that autocorrected tomorrow to gonorrhoea. Please note that Slack autocorrect isn’t very good.
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