ran into someone who graduated hs with us while i was paying for booze in quarters. i love it when people from my past catch me in my classier moments.
Pants on the Ground is the theme song of my life
At McDonald's last night the guy gave you the wrong kind of McFlurry, so you screamed at him, "YOU MCFUCKED UP."
I don't even have to sign up for karaoke at duncans anymore. The karaoke ppl just sign me up themselves. Without my consent. I also sang stacys mom to some lady named Stacy who's mom died yesterday.
I've never felt so epic in my entire life as I do right now, my bare testicles staring down the ocean itself
Passed out on the bench in the men's bathroom. Feel much better now.
He managed to find a wheel chair and a super mario hat, now hes rolling around screaming "real life mario kart!"
Long story short I'm making an I'm sorry card for a girl I dont remember having sex with
Dude come to her party. Someone just took a body shot of rubbing alcohol
i mean hes a break dancing puerto rican, how do you think the sex was?
Plus idk what to say. Like hello dapper gentleman will you pursue me in a midnight hangout where I can be choked
I am in serious pain and you're making dick jokes. I hope you wind up with crotch rot.
How was your night?
I spent a lot of money and drank a lot of booze. Also was part of a successful search party
HE LIVES IN ANOTHER STATE
actually scratch that last text, he's the perfect boyfriend. He stays faithful and doesnt find out about all the guys here. it's a win-win
I’m never getting home or fucked or eating hot Taco Bell fml
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