new number. flushed my phone last night when i puked, made B help me look for it for 2 hours.
We have a vodka soaked ShamWow with your name on it.
Do you think when graham bell invented the phone he ever thought that people would be using them to facebook on the shitter?
I love college. Only here at ten in the morning can you hear "Man, hot sauce on my pussy was my worst idea in a long time." while walking down the hall.
I'm sitting in front of the mirror eating cereal and pondering how my boobs got so big
Welcome to my life
Can we have fireworks this year or will the ocean explode?
Fuuuuck. Forgot it's October. FYI scarecrows are gonna fuck you up when you're driving high
You just made it sound like a children's toy! It's a functioning body organ, my vagina is not a gameboy!!!
I did a hand stand against the glass wall at Ziggy's with no panties on and got 3 phone numbers. Thank God I shaved this morning...
Just walk up to him nice, spread your legs like smooth peanut butter on toast and scream "LOOK AT MY BEAVER! LOOK AT IT!!"
Sounds like she has 4 first names. Like a sad version of Ricky bobby
Totally just railed SuperGirl for my birthday. Best Girlfriend EVER!
Rather than admit to myself I've spent $756 at the bar this month, I'm just going to pretend I gave it to a homeless person...kind of makes me feel better.
WHY CANT I FIND JUST A NORMAL DISNEY LOVING MAN TO PAINT WITH ALL THE COLORS OF THE WIND WITH!!
Do you think he will let me wear my neck fan while he throws my back out?
Please shut the fuck up.
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