was it mean of me to chase him screaming "DO YOU EVER WANT TO BE ABLE TO HAVE CHILDREN?!"?
a drug dealer just gave me his business card. it had his face on it drinking a 40oz
i woke up this morning cuddling with a 3 foot statue of Jesus. heaven here i come
I'm going to leave the fate of whether I go to my midterms up to my dealer hitting me up or not
You did a jig for the bouncer when you saw him. Just reminding you.
I feel like the other woman.
You ARE the other woman.
So basically, I've just woken up in another random bed and I go to get my pants and he's wearing them. Like my underwear is in them... What the fuck is wrong with my life?
He was my shower sex Sherpa last night. And we both made it safely up the mountain.
I WANT MY VAGINA TO POUND AT NICE THINGS.
we're a generation of lazy underachieving stoners and uncreative overachieving automatons. you're golden
she said she wouldn't go home with me until she looked up my name in her sex offender app. do i really give off that vibe?
Yeah. It's not just the beard either.
Well you fished my watch out of a possibly vomit filled toilet so I think we're bros now.
He was stoned and starts screaming, "I ain't got but a dollar, I wanna hear waterfalls!". Maybe he can hang with us....
Dude, I'm thinking today is Single as Fuck Friday because that's how I'm feeling
I'm doing my drinking workout. 20 pushups for each beer I finish. I should write a fucking book
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