I was the only open register tonight and I just sold condoms and chocolate frosting to the ex..
Im drinking a beer thats called vuuve which is boobs in begian. I think my life is complete.
my brother came home with a bottle of vodka and his pants off. were gonna spend more quality time together.
We lit firecrackers from NYE in the fireplace and he was so passed out that he slept through it.
I've lost all respect for marriage since I joined this bachelor party.
Beer and tomahawks! Not gonna end well!
sorry for laughing and taking pictures while you were having an asthma attack on st. patricks day
Either of you know why the shower was on and the bathroom door wide open with no one in there at 6 in the morning?
I FINALLY GET TO MASTURBATE. SO EXCITED.
GOOGLE HAS JUST RELEASED AN UPDATE THAT ALLOWS YOU TO CATCH POKEMON USING MAPS. Pack your shit, our time has COME.
Ask me if I'm sitting naked in a lawn chair eating a block of cheese waiting for a bacon grilled cheese sandwich
Since when do my one night stands start sending you friend requests?
Apparently I'm some kind of sexual camel.
You woke up at like 4 in the morning fell off your bunk bead, yelled at Nic for asking if you were ok, walked to the kitchen, pissed on the keg, and then looked at me and said "Still not worth it" then went back to bed.
I just discovered my new vice. Cotton candy vodka. Its like a carnival in my mouth, puking of the tilt-a-whirl included.
Randomize
