my grandma just told me that size does matter, and don't let anyone tell you anything different.
I smoked weed with pregnant girl. I'm going to hell.
Even when three police cars surrounded us you kept telling us not to worry because 'only good things can happen'.
It was odd. His friends dick tasted the same as his. Friends are beginning to have to much in common
MOMMMMMMMMMMAYYY! YOU BIRFED ME TODAYY. IM CELEBRTIN ON YUR BEHAF! THANK YOU!!!!!
I always hoped you would never inherit this side of my personality. Hon, trust me, you're a mess. Go to bed...alone. xoxoxo
I'm convinced that college is the only place where one can have an existential crisis over what sweatpants to wear
She told me that for every Ravens touchdown, I'd get to come once.
Marry her. Marry her now. I'll help you steal the ring.
Cool. Some 22 year old kids gave me a ride home from the bar last night. In related news, I made out with a 22yr old last night. He was adorable
We go out, we get drunk, we watch Star Wars, we pass out. What's wrong with this tradition?
I had a drinkin contest with a person that didnt exsist, fuck withdrawl day
Hold on are you sure that we dont have another roommate?
Yes.
I'm trying to be celibate. I'm having me time. I'm eating cake.
day drinking caused me to be in bed at a decent time. can't complain.
Why let a Christmas Eve hangover ruin a perfectly good Christmas Day acid trip?
I really don’t want to have kids.
I thought we agreed we were done with dirty talk for the day
What's the best way to tell someone that I accidentally wound up in a gay harem?
Randomize
