Everytime she tries to call me all I can think about is when she tripped walking down my steps during her walk of shame. Then I laugh until it goes to voicemail
I wish everyone walked around campus with a video of what they did this weekend above their heads.
I just got hit on by my highschool french teacher. I need to stop going to this bar.
the only evidence i have from this weekend existing is a title page for a novel i tried writing called "the oyster who gave up drinking"
Dont even bother asking why she was dancing with him on top of a door, let alone how the door ended up being used as a table.
all i wanted was to be slutty. now i'm meeting him for drinks tomorrow because he woke up before i had a chance to sneak out and was too polite to say no
Congratulations, you are no longer the only person who has watched me drunkenly pee on their furniture.
Just gave a gay guy pointers on how to make anal not hurt. Reevaluation of life choices: in progress.
he pulled a $400 bottle of champagne out of the back part of his toiled and I was ready to blow him then and there
I'm never waking up next to someone after sex again. It's alllll downhill from there.
I'm just going to eat until there's an actual reason why he wouldn't want to fuck me.
I feel like a pet sloth would complement my lifestyle.
You mowed a straight line through three yards because you were, and I fucking quote, "In the zone." I think they know.
He was licking my ear while recommending that I shop at IKEA. I think he's my perfect guy.
So there we are, fucking beneath the Christmas tree and I glance up and see one of the local Jehovah's witnesses staring in horror through the decorative glass in the front door. I'm so proud of us.
Randomize
