i just saw a man dusting the fake palm trees at the mall
...welcome to nebraska
the clerk said it was the first time she had ever seen someone walk in the next day to return the tux still wearing the tux
The amount of 12yr olds downtown right now boggles the mind. I can thank taylor swift for a glimpse at my future 3rd wife.
If we went to a costume party as Batman and Robin I would go as Robin, that's how much you mean to me
In the middle of having sex with me, she reminded me that I was supposed to call my mom that morning. My penis has never retracted so quickly.
Hey, next time you have sex, flick his balls, and tell him "thats for getting spit in jennifer's eye and laughing about it."
I'm at about main and main street
Just did a slip and slide down a five story staircase in my dorm. Being an engineer is fucking awesome
She's like a connoisseur of porn. Her collection has things in it I never even knew existed. She even has an Italian batman porno. Where has she been all my life?
Eating cold pizza and drinking a beer for breakfast while standing in a hotel window naked is how I say hello September...
WHEN DO I FOLLOW THESE PEOPLE. I WOKE UP THIS MORNING &FOUND TWEETS FROM ILLUMINATI AND "hot shot 6th grader"
Awkward drunk fist bump with the boss. Not sure if tomorrow will be weird or wonderful.
Does Jesus have blonde highlights? Pretty sure I saw him in a lavender shirt and Sperry's.
It's going to be like a slumber party but with ketamine
YOU ARE STRONGER THAN YOUR VAGINA
Randomize
