I just discovered how perfect a shot glass is for putting your chicken nugget dipping sauces into. Like I'll probably do this when I'm a mother feeding my children.
i came out of my blackout when my grandma called last night. it kinda sobered me up and i realized who i had been making out with. should i call and thank her for the defensive cockblock?
I just got eleven picture messages of my dick and balls hanging out of my shorts last night. I guess it really is summer when the fratastic, man-thigh exposing shorts come out...
Bro i heard that. I've seen so many balls this month its like march madness all over again
In my defense it was my birthday and I really wanted to do it.
i should not be allowed to orgasm that much in one day.
1. They have gold fish races every wednesday. 2. They have a redbull vodka slushie. We need to visit this place.
1. My fish will beat your fish. 2. Were getting fucked up
My clit ring got caught in his beard. Never. Again.
I'm sorry I murdered your sperm with my alcohol saturated Olympic uterus.
who was wearing the fake mustache? I just found one in my cleavage
Just do let me go home with anyone especially I a guy with a hair sweater
I got tossed from adult league soccer for telling a 55 year old I'd break his hip. I'm a productive member of society
i was talking to them for like 5 mins and they were like HEY LETS GET A PICTURE and tequila said it was good idea
I just had a guy ask me if his "jewelry downstairs" would set off the metal detector.
Lets just say the phase, What a dick, has a whole new meaning at the urinals.
After returning from the hospital with lock-jaw from getting tackle at the game. Some naked chick busted out of his room and hit him with a devastating haymaker to the jaw because he wouldn't have sex
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