he pissed his pants, and she still wants to hook me up with him. I try not to date guys with bladder control problems... Unless they're loaded anyway.
She has more profile pics than tagged pics. narcissism at its best.
why do cheetos always look like penises
It's going to be great. We're a perfect team to break up marriages and happiness.
ONE NIGHT STAND. You have 27 minutes before the offer expires, so I suggest you hurry.
I've taken to hiding pictures of us around his room so that he'll forever feel guilty for dumping me on Valentine's Day... And to potentially cock block any hook ups.
He got punched in the face, dropped his laptop down a flight of stairs, and broke his roommate's lava lamp, getting all the toxic lava goo everywhere. This is why we don't let him get drunk. And yet here we are.
Dont get mad at me, it takes two to tango
IT TAKES ONE TO EJACULATE INTO THE OTHER WITHOUT CONSENT, AND SPOILER ALERT, ITS THE ONE WITH A SCROTUM FULL OF SEMEN.
in my defense, he kept drinking all of my water.
he had diabetes and you told him to stop being a pansy!
Plus, I've always wanted to drive in rush hour with a huge cock drawn on my hood
OMG. Hung over at my grandparents house. Threw up on 3 T-stops, countless snowbanks, and the grandparents driveway. Was proposed to last night. Bruised from head to toe from falling down 3 flights of stairs. Debating my intelligence because it seems that "happy new years" is too hard for me to spell. How were your new years festivities?
Today was brought to you by the letter B for beer and bourbon and the number fuck you I'm meant to be studying not hungover
sorry for the random call. He stopped mid-sex because he wanted confirmation that I was really a reverend.
Living alone for four weeks has given me unrealistic expectations of pantslessness.
A young (I'm going to guess late middle school age) kid shouted at me from the crosswalk GAS PUMP OF SHAME! I have peaked in life.
Randomize
