He said "what's the haps". I don't know what the haps are but there goes his chances
hooking up with my manager sounds like an even better idea while i'm sober.
No, he's fine. He only wanted to know why there were traffic pylons in the living room and how the peanut butter got on the ceiling.
Highlight of my weekend: having my card suspended due to "suspicious charges" and standing in line at the gas station yelling at customer service on the phone that I really did go to 4 different strip clubs in one night
broke the door off of my fridge tryin to have a indoor rodeo
got my wristband ripped off, was told i can only be served water. please find me, i'll be running through the fountain
thanks for being my moral compass. and thanks for not always pointing north so i can be slutty and not feel bad about it.
This isn't fair. Why can't sober me be good at bejeweled?
OMG. Dad just threw a 100 dollar bill down on the table for a girl to lift her shirt. I think he was kidding, but...
I almost had to fight a bird, and you know how scared I am of birds. It found that Percocet that I lost in the grass last week, I threw out my back when I launched myself at that little fucker.
I've been here 20 minutes and a sweaty naked man has kissed me on the cheek.
After we had breakup sex it took him longer to say goodbye to my boobs than it did to me...
I couldn't break up with him while I was wearing a Hakuna Matata shirt.
I guess it's part of life. Sometimes your ex boyfriend becomes a drag queen.
Pandemic Silver Lining: cheap hotel rates makes it easier to have afternoon fun with my side dick
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