pretty sure I just motor boated my professor at the drag show
Someone obviously heard us on their way to class. They stopped at my door and started singing afternoon delight.
im sitting in the back of my pickup eating an artichoke. please come find me, im scared.
that was a mass text, wasnt it?
Either way you look at it, I'm a slut. But either way I look at it, I'm having a fucking blast.
They both invited me to family dinner Sunday. Secretly dating two sisters just got real.
so some random man just messaged me on facebook "tig ol bitties" should i be concerned?
We started telling people we were married, and then we hooked up on a park bench
I'm slightly possesive over the gucamole when i'm stoned.
Is that why you left peanut shells in my bed?
my revenge plans when i'm high are never as good as i think they are
The amount of alcohol I'm going to consume on my birthday is directly proportional to the amount of shit I've had to put up with this past year. Which is a lot.
She's still too new to the group to be comfortable with us just sitting down as a group and watching porn on the tv.
Tried to drunkenly hop a fence with my cast on to get away from the cops but ended up falling over a bench.. how do I explain those bruises to my parents?
The time to say "now you can't go and be strange about this at work" is not as you are penetrating your coworker. NOW its awkward
just called AAA to get my keys out of me car and then afterwards realized they were in my pocket...stoner life
You WHAT?!?!
Paid. A. Homeless. Guy. To. Throw. A. Drink. In. Her. Face.
I fucking love you.
just showered sitting down cuz standing seemed like too much work, thursdays need to stop making me their bitch.
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