Why did that cocktail waitress get to sleep with Tiger for 2 years, and all I ever got for living in Whorelando for five years is a couple of pictures with Joey Fatone
Ok. Cause im very serious about this. I wanna strip and do coke for a month
Woke up and went out for a cigarette and it was dead quiet. It was like the world just knew how many mistakes were made last night.
The djing cat is back again. I think he just makes appearances when im shit drunk just to fuck with my mind.
he turned down sex AND sandwiches. who the hell does that?!
I sang again at the bar lastnight I don't think alanis morrset knew when she wrote you outta know that the drunk version was going to be go fuck yourself Josh and Chelsea. I love $2 wells.
I just want to be naked all the time but not in a sexual, come-hither and look at my ass sort of way. In a slightly chubby yet not ashamed way as I eat Taco Bell and lay on soft fuzzy blankets.
Sorry about the weird guinea pigs text. I was drunk and they were freaking me out
IN THE MIDDLE OF HOOKING UP, HE IS CALLED AWAY ON AN "EMERGENCY". FUCK THAT, MATT'S CAR IS NOT AS URGENT AS MY THIRST.
Just got a 200 dollar safe, two jars, and a 500 pack of rubber bands.. This doesn't SCREAM drug dealer does it?
...you should fill the cart some more
he's like a horny 3rd grader on cocaine. he needs a leash
Like woke up with a dick piercing kind of drunk.
The more I think about it, the more convinced I am that I'm the solution to all of T-Swift's guy problems.
This band has the most fuckable violin player I have ever seen.
My liver is going to reject life during Greek Week
How many liver transplants can a person have? Bc you may need a couple
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