Can a clitoris grow tomatoes? Its symbolic and rhetorical.
if there is a rhyme for it it must be true
spring break forecast: sunny with a chance of shitshow
I just washed champagne and tuna off my body. I feel like that was a successful shower.
Just woke up and my doorbell is on my nightstand... the fuck?
I feel like that needs to be the last time i end a text with "fuck them i love tequila".
my professor saw me buying beer for the super bowl and said go patriots. thats how i know im getting an A in his class.
I THINK I JUST JOINED A GANG. PLEASE PICK ME UP.
Hope you had your fill for the summer my friend, because all the cleavage has been put away for the winter. Fear not; it blooms again in May.
Remember when we partied so hard that dude died and it cockblocked you hooking up with my sister?
I forgot that happened. That's the second dude that died on a vacation I've been on
When you're a bigshot ER surgeon and I'm a starving artist, I want you to remember who held your hair last night.
Go tell your boss to go fuck himself because you have beer and doritos and zombies waiting on you
I tried to walk home in my heels. And I fell into a snow bank. And then I cried and a policeman came up to me and said I can't sit in a snowbank and got me a cab. So maybe that's where I left my credit card. I remember the cop asking me if I was old enough to drink, too. OMG. How embarrassing. Pretty sure I told him to "leave me alone."
He's 30 years old and woke me up for a hand job. Last time I go home with someone I met through Tinder.
No way hahaha I have zero intention of adding him I wanna just join in on a three some but mostly just be there for moral support and snacks
Randomize
