i effing cant stand that stupid soul the new way to roll hamster commercial. everyone im with is laughing and now hate them all.
I feel like a panda just shit rainbows on my mind
Any time you start making pro wrestling references before 10 PM I know that I'm breaking up a fight between you and some muscled up frat boy you call Hogan.
I'm cheering for the colts this year. I basically have to since my fake says i'm from indianapolis
Made a vodka juice box out of a ziploc bag and a straw for when I drive. Doesn't count as an open beverage container anymore.
Don't worry, your car is safe with me. I am throwing watermelons out of it at mailboxes and hipster kids.
I got written up at work for smelling like sex and vodka. Still not sure how they put that into professional terms.
Part of me was thinking I should go old school and get a chasity belt before the semester starts. Really lock that shit down. But then I thought, fuck that. I'm going to hit that campus like an f5 whorenado
So this is where people who peaked in high school come to drink?
How do you say happy birthday to someone you fuck occasionally that almost got you arrested? Like what do I text.
SOMEONE WITH THE TWITTER HANDLE "METHLAB" FAVORITED THAT PICTURE
I can already feel the hangover I'll be having on New Year's Day. I don't know if I'm prepared for this.
I don't know how guys can take themselves seriously when they see themselves naked
I found a briefcase foll of fireworks in my old bedroom...that's an appropriate thing to bring to a wedding, right?
Look man if you're looking for a voice of reason, you're talking to the wrong woman.
Just woke up beside some twink in a kilt.. how is your sunday going
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