Holy shit I just stopped short on route 18 because I thought my gps was saying I had to turn right in 11 feet. After almost hitting the guardrail I realized I had to turn in 11 miles.
Fuck I'm high.
they started playing Don't Stop Believin' and you had a melt down because it wasnt the Glee version
you decided to have a spaghetti fight but then you got greedy and decided to eat it all.
I wish you had a penis so you could experience peeing out the window in front of a crowd of people leaving parties.
Last night the nurse at the ER told me that she wished all her drunk patients were like me. Then she commented on my socks...
He gets a blow job; I get my oil changed free of charge. And that way I only see him every 2500 miles.
Ladystoner tip: if eyes are bloodshot, lime green eyeliner makes them appear less red. its basic artt.
Think I can pull off edward 40 hands before class?
You might end up in the wrong class.
I'm a COM major, they're all the wrong class.
can anyone on this campus do anything sober?
I don't have to hold her hair back as she blows me but I do have to hold the ball on the Santa hat
So this is completely apropos of nothing, but I have a feeling that a friend of mine might be a good match for you. Can I set you two up on a date? Oh, and it seems that we live a block away from each other and aren't having sexy times. This is ridiculous. By the way, there's a chance that I might be a tad drunk. Still though, there's a very *good* chance that you and Mr. X would get along.
If he can't cook well I'm just gonna buy a RealDoll and twenty cats and live my own fucking life
When she tells her friend, "hey I'll be back tomorrow, just going to fuck a guy", right in front of you, you know you've got a winner.
we should most definitely have a fire extinguisher in the apartment. like... for sure
Looks like I accidentally stole two of your beers and left my pants at your place.
How did you leave without pants?
Randomize
