I think my fart just growled at me.
My booty call said shes done doing the walk of shame. Wtf is that?
It's what anyone that sleeps with you, specifically, does when they leave. Some do it even when they just think of you.
You never realize just how much you have to be thankful for until you almost shit yourself in a Target.
I wonder why dictionaries dont have indexes to help find the words easier.
Well, technically I had a shirt on, it was just around my waist.
oh man. maybe i should puke on his dick? just to test how much he loves me?
No, I don't think your idea of offering shots in exchange for bonus points to your history professor at B-Dubs was a good idea. Especially after you later told him that you would "tap that" in regards to his wife.
it wasn't a normal cookie, i figured that out 45 minutes into my exam
I love shooting for the middle. Those girls never wake up well.
On a Thurs night I found myself drunk in a limo w 9 dudes on my way to a strip club. Once there I was handed $100 in ones and told "spend it." I need a husband. Or Jesus.
This girl invited us back on the promise of weed and strudel...she delivered neither.
I woke up with broken tostitos all over my bed and a snap chat of myself flipping off the camera.
Your favorite boobs are sending you seasons greetings
To this day, I regret not having sex in the bathroom
I'm eating go-gurt and drinking beer alone in the dark. This is why you shouldn't marry young.
Randomize
