im officially scared..,i finally realized who my boyfriend reminds me of! spencer pratt
The sex was great until she started shouting, "Succeed!, Succeed!" Then it was like I was fucking a motivational speaker. Awkward.
I hate babysitting girls whose boobs are bigger than mine.
its 9am and we're in an escalade. I have no shoes and my dress is on backwards. I feel like we're the morning after a rap video
Reading in my econ of energy textbook about the US' largest oil spill from the 1990's.. guess i can't sell this one back either
well, someone with very low standards is getting their dick sucked
So my grandma sent me a valentines day present of waterproof mascara, tissues, and chocolate. Way to reinforce that I'll be single and depressed on valentines day. Thanks grandma.
I need to get a life, I am either crying at every glee episode or just wanting to blow rails off photos of us
That's just weird. That doesn't make sense sexually at all. I mean, you might as well tape a pen to the tip and try and write your name while you're at it.
Thank you. I woke up with a beard hair in my mouth. Super classy.
Is this like a preordered booty call?
An old biker dude just flirted with me at Food City. I enjoyed it. God damn I need to get laid.
i just got drunk and created an entire Dr Seuss unit for my first graders.
i don't know what it is about you being around kids that makes me want to screw your brains out
That is the creepiest and also the sexist thing you've ever said
i think it's like a sexual celebration of not having kids
So it turns out high me is very efficient. I set 5 alarms to remind me to do things, i made mac and cheese, and i wrote a poem. I'm going places.
Randomize
