normally I beat off every night before I go to bed even though my little brother sleeps in the same room. So I was starting to last night, and he jumped out of bed and said "Fuck, Im not listening to this shit again" We havent talked since. fuck me
You asked the waitress for a vasectomy and handed her a butter knife, like you were ordering something from the menu
you threw up out the window, wiped your face with a twenty dollar bill, and threw that out the window too.
did we at least go back and get it?
how else do you think we got jack in the box...?
Drinking at work by myself... My boss just walked into me copying my face on the copy machine..
Only you can can turn Jenga into a drinking and then a sex game.
She called him at 5 AM so that he'd be ready for her birthday breakfast and drinks at 6. This is why people don't need to wait until their 21st to have their first drink.
Honestly I think at this point I purposefully schedule nothing on Sundays anymore so I can spend all day wallowing in my shame.
I feel like they've probably fucked. Like.. you don't just bring a bitch a Big Mac if you haven't fucked her.
Now that it's fall I have to prepare for the imminent arrival of ripped up sweatpants shoved into folded over sequined uggs
You're still my best friend even though you continue to pass out on random toilets every time you drink
jusy threw up in the airport bathroom. I am no longer thankful for fireball.
This is the third time this year I've whored myself for a Netflix login. If this guy changes his password, I'm gonna fucking give up.
Or maybe pay for Netflix?
I'm not that desperate yet.
I just want orgasms and emotional validation. Is that too much to ask?
so i just realized the reason you didn't answer my call last night is because the remote isn't a phone.
I think I'm the first girl to break a bed with a guy, without even having sex with him while doing so.
Randomize
