TLC. RIGHT NOW. PRIMORDIAL TODDLERS.
You watched "From Justin to Kelly" and sang along to more than half of the songs. I didn't know whether to laugh or to be insanely frightened that you knew almost all the lyrics.
he was fingering me, then looked down and said "i like your socks"
I am VERY upset that you called my fiesta a waste of time.
I'm drunk at a gay bar with my riding crop. God save the queens
Yoga may not b such a good idea for me today. My liver is obviously in cahoots with my colon to pay me back for the past 24 days of misuse . Downward dog could have catastrophic consequences.
I think that's the first time Navy dress blues and a Ninja Turtles onesie have been involved in the same makeout.
So do you want to hear how I got the hickey first, or how I got the black eye?
the only good thing about going home with him was that he was prettier than me.
He changed the password on his Netflix account. The break up is official.
Well, I'm most mad that he lied to you (about being married)...but the CAT THING IS A CLOSE SECOND
WTF was I supposed to tell them? "hi mom and dad, this is some rando I met on the internet. please ignore the noises that will be coming from my bedroom for the next 60-90 minutes. kthxbye."
He dropped some cash when he got in my front seat upside down. And a hat. I'm keeping them as retribution for not remembering that he had sex with me once before. Although, if he didn't have his dick pierced, I wouldn't have remembered either.
I almost wrecked my car because of a guy in skinny jeans had a boner
We've been taking shots, cranking Marilyn Manson, and eating your bacon. Your kid is probably ruined.
Randomize
