cynthia nixon should never get laid more than me
is it weird that i feel like i won the break up because my status change got two comments and his got zero?
i watched you ride a mechanical penis. nothing is awkward between us anymore.
Being the only sober one.. I had to feed you guys doritos. You kept licking my fingers.
good it was pretty cute, also what would bong water do to a puppy?
Come get her ASAP. She's "people bowling," which is just her rolling into random groups of people. People look pissed.
I'll be listening to "I will always love you" and sobbing uncontrollably all night, care to join?
were you high?
When?
Actually just blanket yes to that question
you walked onto the street in the middle of the 10K in your thong. it was a whole new kind of expirience.
I just talked this guy out of hooking up with me and gave him relationship advice. Am I a good person now?
YOU HAVE PISSED AND FUCKED ON LITERALLY EVERYTHING IN MY HOUSE
Not everything, just a few things. And only a few times. The odds are really not all that bad when you break it down.
you’ve pissed every time you slept over. there’s no such thing as odds anymore. it’s guaranteed
I thought accidentally shaving off my fingertip while trying to shave my butthole was going to be the most unexpected part of my day, but no
As a side note, can you ask the maintenance staff not to drag their balls on our stairwell handrails. Please.
no offense but you looked like shit yesterday
tequila is unforgiving..
Just checked out of walmart with a 30 pack of Budlight and a wiffle bat. Hello, Monday night.
Randomize