My milkshake brings 85 to 90 percent of the boys to the yard
a fat lady just tried to bring a cooler stuffed full with burger kid through airport security. christ I'm going to miss the midwest.
She started to tell me how she goes to a shrink, so I started thinking how to sneak out of her place, then she said part of it was for her sex addiction, long story short she's got her clit peirced n I just got laid
Just downloaded the entire Justin Bieber album sober.. I think you know how I'm doing.
I probably shouldn't have followed up that rainbow sherbet with beef jerky. This is a whole new level of fat, even for me.
I'm too tired to go all the way tonight, especially if you're going to quote Katy Perry at me during
One minute we were getting noise complainted by the security guards the next I was shotgunning a beer with them
Someones grandma was rubbing my back. I'm way too high for this.
pro-tip: weed infused snickerdoodles are far less conspicuous to eat at work than brownies. no one ever suspects the snickerdoodle.
I want a bottle of whiskey to be dropped at my doorstep like a stork drops babies when they are delivered to their parents.
God what have you done to be that much in need of alcohol.
Me WANTS my preciousssssssssss
It doesn't feel like real life when you open your hotel room door and the first person you see is wearing a rabbit costume. I'm too hungover for this.
I FUCKED WHEELCHAIR DUDE
HE'S INTO WEIRD SHIT
GOOD KIND OF WEIRD SHIT
This is why you arnt allowed in pet stores
Me and some guy are crying in a port a potty together after another guy broke up with both of us.
everything I love is going to destroy me, so if coconuts are the answer, so be it.
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