that's the type of pussy you go to the bathroom and wack off before you fuck her, just to last longer inside of her!
Michael Jackson had a heart attack when he found out boyz to men was a music group not a delivery service.
I literally have been drunk for three days entirely by myself, the world cup may kill me
I just had to give myself a pep talk to stop lying on my floor. Literally too hung over to function
If the boyfriend of the drunk girl you just met asks her if she made a "special friend" you're going to have a threesome. For future reference.
All I know is I drank too much, danced too little.. yet somehow woke up on the floor in the arms of some cowboy.
But we only had three ninja turtles. So everyone that would ask us where Donatello was, we would say "what? He's gone? Shredder is at it again!"
Yeah, reverse cow girl. She was on top and I was playing Flappy Bird behind her back. Easiest way to have angry sex.
Does it still count as a valentine if it's drunk phone sex at 3 in the morning
He called yelling about whhhhhhiskey and enchiladas I heard sirens in the background last time I talked to him b
Was so high at one point last night that while showering I was worried that using too much hot water would slow down our Internet.
His Instagram is like a gay porn blog all of the sudden got conquered by the Mormon missionary that he is
I swear to god my spidey sense only tingles when someone’s about to die or you’re being a hoe.
Do NOT. I repeat. DO NOT call me little one after we have fucked. In no world is that ok. Even jesus agrees.
I guess I called her at 2am, demanding that she bring us food. She told us to order pizza, and I yelled "DON'T MENTION PIZZA!" I recall nothing.
Randomize
