You are an awful beat friend I am goin to die in a car accident and then my corpse is going to be used by criminals ala weekend at bernies to rob a bank then my corpse will go to jail Thanks john Thanks for nuthin
Whoever said that a man can only cum up to 8 times a day is a fucking liar...or was never on adderall
dude, there's a fucking musical in my head. it's fucking awesome being this high.
Remember middle school health class where we used to say that when we lost our vcards we would be on the pill, using a condom, and have had our partners tested first? We were so optimistic.
I have an excuse to be a whore in Mexico. I'm conducting an experiment to see if small dicks are caused by the poor drinking water.
I think I just accidentally agreed to become a surrogate for a gay couple
I'm covered in sharpie and the girl next to me just said something smells like fried food. Hint: it's me. Why am I in class?
He wanted to feed hamburgers to the homeless... as a first date... who the fuck is this kid
I'm stoned at 1030am, watching Maury with my exboyfriend. I need to make better choices with my life.
So last night I taught an old homeless dude to respond to "Blue" so I could shout your my boy Blue at the party
I want to get business cards and hand them to hot guys and say " hey if you ever want to like makeout and pretend it never happened call me"
He just started dry humping the air... I'm done
Life update: This fucking MacBook repair guy called me over last night for a booty call and he didn’t have a condom OR a bed
Yeah that was post sex. I was thinking in my mind, no wonder he didnt ask me to call him daddy since he actually is a dad
THREE MINUTES! THREE MINUTES PAST MIDNIGHT I STSRT HEARING CHRISTMAS MUSIC ON THE OVERHEAD PA SYSTEM!!!
Randomize
