Changed my sheets. Found a can of rockstar, crushed bag of tostitos, used tissues, and enough of both of our clothes to make a whole outfit.
he convinced the breakfast vendor to melt twix bars on bacon for me at 4am. he slurred every word. i think i found my prince charming.
he kept a regular condom in his wallet just so he could comment on how it wouldnt fit before whipping out the magnums. i give him points for the build up
me and my mom are sitting in the bank parking lot drying my beer soaked check with the heat... the whole car smells like heinekin and I'm trying to convince her I don't need a.a.
When are you comin back?
probably mid next week, depending on when i finish my remaining half gallons
please dont ever try to drink horizontally again. I thought I was going to have to give you cpr
He just tagged everyone he's slept with this year in a 'memories of 2011' tweet
the number of desperate girls at the gym right now is unfair. it would be cruel not to let one blow me.
The maintenance guy says happy birthday. Also, he likes your penis balloon.
Can I interview you during sex or would that be weird?
I need you to go into my room and get some pants then bring them and four band aids to Sam's apartment no questions
Believe me honey Imma fuck the discount out of at least one plastic surgeon in my life
I just jacked off to nostalgia.
it’s my vagina i can do what i want to
Our sex sesh was interrupted by a bunch of hobos fighting outside his apartment.
Randomize
