I had to use the resin knife to take the staples out of my tax return forms. Tax returns and a search warrant?
I think I pulled my groin stumbling back from the bar. That or the hippo I woke up next to.
He's so young, I keep getting a mental image of him in footie pajamas. It's cute but it's wrong. Or is it?
On campus. Grown men in women's sexy bee costumes. Complete with legwarmers. This cannot be real life.
be proud. or at least amused. an 18 yr old and a 25 yr old at least makes my average hookup age this week the same as my age.
She clicked her fingers, said "here boy!", and pointed at her vagina.
No if my life depended on you fingering me just let me die
So if I tell her fire is hot and it will burn her... she's probably just going to keep throwing her vagina at it huh?
He put chocks of wood in front of his doors to stop me from leaving. I'm not nearly drunk enough for that to be appropriate behaviour.
My mom just called hysterical. She and her sister found my dead grandma's vibrator.
The apple don't fall far from that tree.
I need a costume for that party. Even if I'm just taking it off.
I think you just described to us the most perfect drunken fairy tale that has somehow never been written
YOU LEFT MY FUCKING BRA OUTSIDE OF YOUR HOUSE AND NEVER TEXTED ME.
Really I don't care what we're doing or watching. Your penis spends way too much time outside of my body.
I didn't even know his name until he texted me the next day and told me I should take a plan B pill. Thanks Danny.
Randomize
