I just sold weed to a guy holding a baby...does this make me a bad person?
Sometimes he's such a bitch I forget that he's not actually a girl. Last night I asked him if I could borrow a tampon.
He had some in his pocket. That was weird.
I havent jerked off in so long, my dick literally prevented me from rolling over in my sleep this morning. new definition of painful?
i just deleted quailman, hot hawaiian dude, appalachian swimmer, and connecticut from my phone
You hooked up with a kindergarten teacher?
Yea. It's kind of weird knowing that there are kindergarten teachers out there with their nipples pierced.
his life revolves around getting high and answering people on yahoo answers. he's perfect for you.
i knew it was time to leave the bar when i caught myself doing karate dance moves with a married man.
I hope in my next life I'm a sterile trophy wife. With a husband who showers me in wealth and gifts but can't get a hard on. Do you think my karma is good enough for that?
Yes, i finally made it. but let me tell you...i can smell myself right now in class right now, this scent is called alcoholism.
The fire alarm went off at 3 am in the freshmen dorm. So guess which junior everyone now knows is hooking up with a freshman? This girl...
We interrupt your regularly scheduled Saturday morning programming with this important announcement: you are not the father. I repeat not the father. Congratulations and have a nice day.
HOLY FUCK I JUST GOT WOKEN UP BY THUNDER!!!!!
I THINK I SHARTED
Queso dip and pictures of Daniel's penis. It's like the last days of Rome over here.
You decided that walking wasn't in the cards for you anymore
Drunk me is having trouble keeping up with sober me's standards
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