In a few years, 50 babies 50 states. Like it?
Since my computer broke, i've been masterbating to girls gone wild. I feel like i'm in the 90's.
explain to me why "crisis hotline lolz" is in my contacts?
Stop trying to talk to my friends!!
then get some ugly ones...
He somehow managed to accomplish karate kicking a door down, cockblocking my friend in the room, and writing "tits" all over the house with a blue sharpie.
For every drunk face picture you send me, I'm gonna send a wholesome family photo.
that was THE gayest party i've ever been to
To be fair, the theme was Cabaret. I don't know what you were expecting.
i remember going to sleep after the 4th time i threw up this morning and hoping i didn't have to again because then it would be uneven between saturday and sunday. my ocd is getting out of control
I went to the obgyn with chipped nail polish.. Somewhere Beyonce was looking down, shaking her head, whispering "Not fierce."
First time for everything: started posting a Facebook comment, decided I'm not quite sober enough. Progress.
I went out to have a smoke, and next thing I know, he's got me bent over a picnic table praying to deities I don't believe in. You should have been there.
I fell into a manhole last night, so there's that
We perfected the quiet ass slap during sex so his roommate wouldn't wake up.
I just sneeze out a chunk of leftover pickle I threw up last night. dont you try and tell me your day is going worse
I just got to my parents hungover as hell. My dad could tell and said "theres only one cure for a hangover" and handed me a beer. This morning went from a 0 to 10 in an instant.
Randomize
