I love reading their "i love you more" , "no i love you more" war on facebook today knowing that he hooked up with me last night. I bet i know who wins that one.
whenever music plays i find myself always doing kegels to the beat. its like the new foot-tapping
Drunkenly auctioned off my bed for 3 tequila shots
Is it bad that my only regret is fucking on the bathroom floor and not the sink?
Holy shit, you lost your virginity on 11/11/11. Now every time someone fucks you, they can make a wish. Your vagina has officially been transformed into a wishing well.
We shaved off his eyebrows I'm pretty sure his fiance will be thrilled at the wedding
This is why Helen Keller didn't drink
Hahaha I don't remember taking it away. But no one should have a sledgehammer at a party. NO ONE.
You need Xanax blowdarts
You need to stop me from lighting my hand on fire next time we're working
Getting your clit pierced is not something you want to trust to a crazy girl with an ice cube, some vodka, and a sewing needle. Trust me. I learned that the hard way.
He woke up & asked where his pants were then asked where he was then asked who I was. Been married 20 yrs. He was drunkest ever.
Stop calling him just to say, "my vagina misses you."
I just found a reminder in my phone to ask you about your sex life in 7 years. So how is that going?
Promise me if ever I think I can't do anything, remind me that I waxed my own butthole
Randomize
