mustard is like jesus in yellow tights
I woke up on a raft in a bath tub filled with beer. excellent night.
Fucked her within an inch of her life. Seriously. Don't choke bitches when they ask. Was way too drunk to be pulling that shit.
would really like to know how the teddy bear got super glued to my testicles.
IS FOOTBALL GONNA SUCK HIS DICK? NO, IT IS NOT
I wish I could go about my daily activities with his dick inside me
just found gum connecting my sunglasses to my floor board. you don't want to know where else it was.
Don't worry I'm alive. The apt is all locked up so I'm sleeping on the patio. The frozen pizza I got might be toast unless someone lets me in soon. If not its all good I'll be here snoring on the patio
An old man just slapped my ass and handed me five dollars while I was filling chips at subway. I feel violated, but that was the easiest five dollars I've ever made.
GOD DAMMIT TARYN WHY DO WE ALWAYS HAVE TO ROB PLACES IN OUR FUTURE PLANS?!
every time someone would wish me happy birthday I would be like "thanks happy birthday to you too"
I just want the relationship Bob and Linda Belcher have- is that too much to ask?!
Fyi - we're going to be eating those sandwiches in bed when you get home.
Just to clarify, i'm coming over for tacos not a threesome
He said my vagina smelled like pomegranates. Its like my vagina is the fountain of youth.
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