You seemed more interested in the queso dip than you were in the hand job
I had a dream she was puking on me, but sadly in real life she was puking on me too
you don't know what its like to have your bartender tell you that you owe him beer money infront of your mother at 3pm on a tuesday
You owe me new eyes. The ones I have are burned with your balls into the back of my eyes. And every time I close them, your balls are right there...
When I blacked in, I was crying to my father at the swim-up bar that "I was going to win an Oscar." how do you THINK Mexico was?
So I walk in and he's teaching someone in London via Skype how to roll a blunt. I have new found respect for him.
Guess who has two thumbs and just fell outta his car and almost peed himself
Hate sex is good. Drunk sex is better. Combine those two however and you get the best experience of your LIFE.
It was all going fine until I had to chug that strawberita bud light. That really ended badly.
Hey by the way did you notice my third nipple in my snapchat
I shaved an Xmas tree into my junk.... I placed your present underneath.
MY GOD DAMN TV STOPS WORKING EVERY TIME I AM THIS FUCKING HIGH. WHY MUST IT TORMENT ME?!
Just masturbating and watching Sports Center...is this what it's like to be a guy?!
Once you've had an oral std scare, you're an expert.
My life is over, I got a mugshot while wearing a shirt that said 'milf hunter'.
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