Either call me back or tell me you're in jail. For fucks sake. If this is a cop, just help out. national league.
Earned the respect of a group of freshman by chugging Das Boot while hanging out a window and lost it shortly after by wrecking a clown bike into them.
Hey, who is this? Sorry, you're in my phone as "you better remember".
Having a vagina does not stop me from believeing my balls are bigger than yours.
No. I heard a cover of "my heart will go on". This is not sanity.
I yelled kanye while he was fucking me. It just felt right
Surely the maintenance men have seen worse than that condom right
I think you'll be amused to know that I achieved the impossible feat of tripping over my own dick
What am I supposed to say? "Hi new uncle in law once I tried cocaine in Mexico and every once in a while i motorboat strangers. so happy to be a part of your family"
I hope you have irresponsible drunk insurance because you're about to pay a deductible
I turned off my domesticated goddess switch over 2 years ago and idk how to turn it back on. So in the mean time I'll dodge this gf bullet and eat free steak for as long as possible
Naked. Naked is my favorite color.
sorry bout the carpet, but you DID call it "blackout punch" not "don't vom on my floor punch"
Nice. Make him jerk off and tape it. Send it to his woman. I also love that you had another skype date
She got a boob job, dumped her husband, became a stripper, got a DUI in her Porsche and is now dating her lawyer
I’m making her my life coach if med school doesn’t work out
Randomize
