This dress was meant to end up on your floor
Tall, dark & handsome can suck my short, pale & awkward dick.
i wanna meet her so much more now that I know she got toed in a hottub.
Spilled red wine all over my bed. This has to be the fiftieth time ive refused to fall asleep without a drink in my hand
Last night, I accomplished the impossible. I pissed while riding my bicycle home without pissing all over myself. My Dutch friends gave me a round of applause and said I was now the king of holland.
I'm going to tattoo a maze on my back for the next fucker that tries to blow early ....
Oh god, so much rum. I think I was in a shotgun wedding with a Bacardi promotion girl.
This must be what defeat feels like to Tom Brady today. I bet he wishes he could barf up all of his bad decisions from yesterday, too.
He's basically wearing those Nike boner sweatpants. It's hard not to jump him. How has your day been?
I just spent a solid 3 minutes trying to figure out how to send a smell through my phone
I remember looking at his body and thinking wow you have a body sculpted by Jesus himself. Still not sure if I said that out loud or not
when I type Christina's, my phone's predictive text assumes my next word is boobage
I'm going to make you a sign to put on your penis to ward others off
I think I was high. I asked a dude at chillis if they had a cereal buffet
So we were fooling around last night and suddenly Like A Virgin popped up on his itunes
OMG haha What did he say?
He told me that if I laughed, I would have to leave.
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