Sooo i definitely have a major burn on my chin from kenny's ...stubble from making out for hours while coked up. Pure class.
I hope i woe up in your car, or else i stole someone elses and slept in the back seat
The worst mistakes make the best memories. Write that down.
He just sent me a winky face in the middle of setting up a drug deal. You don't do that.
All I got from that conversation with the officer was "blah blah blah, you're disgusting, blah blah blah, $500 fine, blah blah blah, be in court Tuesday."
Leaving your birthday party to engage in a threesome IS allowed. I checked the rule book.
Just talked a homeless guy out of suicide. Was rewarded with a garbage bag full of mountain dew bottles and zannies. Im such a good person
Promise me, at my funeral, you will re-enact our human sledding incident of 2011....you can use my dead body as said sled.
Everyone is speaking Spanish and this 300 hundred pound chick is talking about the time she got out of prison... Fuck this place
STONER SAFETY TIP: don't use the driver's side vanity mirror to check how red your eyes are while you're driving. it won't work. trust me.
Someone's vagina was extra sandy cause the left side of my bed feels like the beach.
You would seriously think I would remember who put themselves in my phone as Burt Rynalds Moustache, but I don't. And I need to be reminded of who you are so I can give you a proper high five.
He kept squeezing my butt and telling me how smart I was
My booty call made my bed while I was in the shower. I may have to marry him.
Get your heels and tits on! I’m not wasting a Brazilian because his fucking kid ate paste or Legos and ruined an afternoon suite sex and room service
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