you miss my big massive throbbing cock dont you?
Woah.
that's not how you spell hell yes.
Hello rock bottom. My name is Jared. Nice to meet you.
which gay bar do you need a ride home from?
i have to go see a new gyno today. he's a male. i just took 3 shots of tequila. its almost like freshman year... drink alcohol, meet a strange man, let him play with my vagina.
I told her at least we still had each other. That's when she started crying.
Is it bad that your cum tickles when I swallow it?
you just kept yelling "siddle that plaza" til the cab driver said it back...
We were fucking on his hammock and right as he came we flipped over. I landed on him, he landed on a pile of pinecones. We're done with nature sex.
Thanks for getting me stoned. My manager started quizzing me about the menu and I struggled until he asked me to describe the tortilla soup. I said "tasty"
I'm not going to be your wingman while you are in the hospital.
There's only two more days left to say you saw me naked this year.....I'll bring the booze, you got all of next year to rationalize why.
I feel like a weird modern Betty Crocker. I'm icing a cake and looking at gay porn, if that's not an accurate portrayal of the 21st century idk what is.
He got me to hold his phone, wallet, keys and pants while he hooked up with another girl.
theres a canoe in our lawn. we dont own a canoe.
it was the only safe place
feeding cats lunchmeat on my kitchen floor. come pour me another shot.
It took me twenty minutes to read that sentence.
All I said was okay...
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