Remember that night when i almost got you arrested? Is that funny yet?
I'm sorry my penis didn't work
then she made me sanitize my hands before fingering her...i may have found my soulmate
Reason #57 I am going to fail the bar... it's Tuesday and i'm drunk at Toy Story 3.
Ya know, in a round about way coinstar is just a glorified vending machine for all my bad choices.
Well, she opened the door to puke outside the car, but she threw it open so hard it popped back and hit her in the face.
You threw a bunch of trashcans into the middle of the street and nothing happened. I fell on one car and suddenly there were cops everywhere...
Ignoring the crisis im in. Sitting in the front yard in a kiddie pool. Wearing arm floaties, fins and a snorkel. Waiting for a hot guy to walk by.
I want to celebrate with you...
There's nothing I'd like more than a celebratory "The guy I'm doing just found out he's not a baby daddy" dinner.
at what point last night did i decided to have a photo shoot with your camel toe
She just kept saying "bless your heart" to him while he cried because he came so fast. I think a Texas woman was just what he needed
Fuck off I wasn't that drunk. I was still able to toss froot loops in the air and catch them in my mouth.
And in your bra. It was quite entertaining.
I just borrowed porn from my middle aged mother. This is what desperate looks like.
He just showed up at my house with a giant box of Trojans and a 6-pack of Yoohoo "for a special treat afterwards". I'm in love.
Nothing ruins your day more than waking up to you dogs crotch in your face
Randomize
