I got a call from 999 999 9999. I didn't answer it because I was too busy freaking out about the number.
It was probably Jesus.
I feel like he would have left a message.
He DELETED brick breaker off his blackberry why even bother trying to find something in common?
so apparently the car got towed with me passed out in the back seat.
i'm pretty sure i saw my life flash before my eyes when we ran a red light. i continued to drink and be the drunk backseat driver.
she fucked me tho cuz it was her cat's birthday. As soon as we were done she just says "ahhh tequila tuesdays"
Why is there a video on my phone of us trying to snort a line of Reeces Pieces with you chanting "This is how fat girls party"?
It's probably because the lack of alcohol in your stomach. Alcohol kills bacteria. I am a doctor. Trust me
What kind of life do I lead that no one is surprised by the fact that I was watching porn at work with the hot 37 year old?
Okay. So I've done lines off a bible. But that's just for the sake of being cliché.
i dunno, a lot of my childhood feels like a drugged up fever dream
I made out with that lesbian chick for a blunt. NO REGRETS.
OMG I DIDNT READ THAT TEXT CAREFULLY CAUSE I'M ON THE DEVILS LETTUCE & I THREATENED TO PUNCH A CHILD OMG I'M SO SORRY
He took home that trashy slut from Bama but a NFL Lineman was just in my DMs so... who’s the real winner here
So turns out my new assistant isn't really my assistant. The owner needed a title for his FWB so his wife wouldn't catch on. I got a three hundred a month credit limit boost on my corporate credit card instead.
I think I'm the first girl to break a bed with a guy, without even having sex with him while doing so.
Randomize
