I woke up this morning wearing my tux shirt and jacket, but no pants.
______ was pissed. My breath tastes like tequila and doritos, and I couldn't get it up.
i saw the 3rd guy i ever had sex with last night and kept calling him #3
i just uploaded three hundred pictures and you had your shirt off in two hundred and ninety of them
the remaining ten - you weren't in
just fed a duck at the lake a weed brownie. it hasnt moved in 20 minutes.
sometimes i wish i had boobs. not on me. just like in a drawer.
let's remember the whole point of NYE: to drink antisocial amounts of antisocial drinks, become incoherent, ruin a carpet, talk to a tree, wake up with head sellotaped to toilet. The where/how is superfluous, my vote goes to a cupboard and a bottle of jaeger Questions?
How am I so hungover that wearing sunglasses hurts my head?
He's in a nude suit, bald, with a pink headband and a black sharpie streak down his forehead.
I think we need to stage an Intervention. Her Instagram is a call for help.
My boss brought her husband's telescope to work, so all of us that work in the MMJ Dispensary got high and had an impromptu Blood Moon viewing party. I love my job.
please let it be arousing that I used numbers to figure out how well I'd give you head
Putting a bow on your dick doesn't make it a real present
Is talking to an iron man poster a good or bad indicator that you've been drinking too much?
As a member of the kink community, I feel grossly misrepresented
Sunday morning breakfast with the boyfriends family. I just puked in the stall at Cracker Barrell. Classy.
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