Having a random hookup so left but love u
Every time I type "should" my phone autocorrects to "shouldn't". even my phone knows my ideas are terrible.
It was awkward being the only one at the wedding who knows that the bride and groom met when she gave him a lap dance at a strip club
well i did drunkenly flip his snowmobile going 90, so i can kind of see why hes mad
um, yes. it's my birthday, of course there will be acid.
Given my current decline of critical thinking and capacity for speech it's probably best u call the cops
there was a kid getting taken out of the waterpark handcuffed to a wheelchair singing "tryna catch me ridin dirty"
you cant ever make fun of my bong's stick on moustache again. its the reason the cop let me keep it and my weed.
I agreed not to hook up with any randoms while she's on vacation, if that isn't a show of good faith then I don't know what is...
He either works for the Irish Mob or I'm being Catfished
She must've been waiting down the street cause after I said I specialized in inner-thigh-face-massage it couldn't have been 2 minutes until she was on my couch.
I just walked past a guy banging a chick in the back of his car.
Im at a south american orphan benefit auction drinking stoli in a coffee mug, this is what my life has become, thanks a lot community college
She came home, put on the news, left a 20 minute drunk message on her friends machine, then proceeded to play back the entire message laughing hysterically and then just passed out
Wow. I want to climb Santa. You've made my mind go places I wasn't prepared to explore.
Randomize
