I just barfed on his mom.
You told him you were too drunk to meet his parents. Totally his fault.
also, i may or may not be wearing a cape right now. hint: i am.
Is it possible to be promiscuous but in a classy way?
you know how i said i wouldn't send that pic message of your lofted bed falling from you fucking a fat chick? that was after i sent it to your mom
no, didnt close...
What?! she made the first move and invited you back to her place. thats like striking out in t-ball pathetic...
i love that he's uncircumcised. it makes handjobs so much easier. it's the lazy susan of penises.
I just can't have sex with a guy who has nicer eyebrows than me
wine pong. its mother daughter day and i think she's mad. I smell like jager
I drove two hours just to throw up on myself today at the beach. My family saw the whole thing and my younger cousin cried
You paid at the door and they gave you a straw for the kiddie pool full of booze.
After a bit there were two girls who got naked and liquor wrestled. I don't think it was planned.
I'm going out with a guy whose nickname is Shark Week cause he'll eat anyone. I'm very excited.
$645 later, she's throwing up in my washroom and asking for a cab. Hooker are soooo much cheaper.
"just because you look like a short version of scarlet johanson does not mean I would immediately fuck you" that was the single.most difficult thing to say. but seriously I don't want the roots of the whore tree anywhere near my junk.
I remember caressing his hands asking him if he moisturized, then i proceeded to put his hands on my face
So do you remember the bartender that caught me when I fell off the bar 4 weeks ago? He hasn't been to work since...Woops.
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