all i wanna do is slam about 38 beers eat a whole pizza and wake up naked in the taco bell parking lot
I drunk madeout with my mom last night. it's guna be an awkward breakfast.
Upside of a two-day migraine: thanks to a prominent "E" in the middle of every pill, I think we can totally pass off Excedrine Migraine as ecstasy to stupid, drunk freshman. This is totally going to happen. That entrepreneurship course is paying off.
1 month til my stepdad becomes a u.s. citizen, so if you want to get in on the divorce pool its your last chance, $5 a square.
Throwing up so forcefully that toilet water hits you in the face is not what the Pilgrims and Indians had in mind for this holiday
She made me be the little spoon then she pretended to be a jet pack for an hour straight
Seriously, you can't give someone's wife an orgasm on the dance floor of a gay nightclub and then hang out with her husband the following week
Just got your message from Saturday. Shove all the kittens down your pants? Really?
I was emotionally compromised.
I gather from Facebook you got drunk last night and took semi naked pictures of yourself?
holy shit the woman im hooking up with is closer to my moms age than my own
I am the fucking FIFTH wheel. How do you think it's going?
"he sent me a picture of a puppy in return for a picture of my boobs. He then captioned it with "look it's puppies first time at the beach". "
It's official. My little brother has had more sex in my car than I have. I'm still tied with my little sister. I hate everybody.
It's nice doing the walk of shame at 530 am, the birds are chirping, campus is empty, and it's dark so noone can see who the Fuck you are
Your dick. My mouth. We have 20 minutes.
Randomize
