She went from zero to smokin in five shots
I just answered "If only I knew" for a quiz in criminology, she loved it. I got an A
why the fuck does my google maps say i'm in punjab?!?!? u think it has to do with like...outsourcing?
Immaculate conception is definitely the most boring way to conceive a child.
Last night after we fucked, I washed my vag in vodka so I wouldn't get an STD
Or, you could have used a condom
if u cant get laid at this wedding we need to have a looooooong talk about the possibility of u becoming a lesbian
I think I may have appendicitis, but the house is like two blocks from the hospital so I'm just gonna go and drink anyway.
Just used water from the fish tank for the bong. Thank you fishy.
Burnt myself on soup.. consencus go back to hospl. they will lov me. twins in one nigh. still hve band on. fuck
I didn't ask to see his penis, it was an ambush. Impressive though
We were in the middle of fucking and she was just like "Do ya wanna play Harry Potter Scene It?" I musta been really bad lol Anyways, her tattoo healed nicely.
You said you were uncomfortable with your body and then you started making whale noises
Bar selfie Saturday turned into bar nudie Saturday in a hurry. I need to delete my snapchat...
WHO CARES HE GIVES YOU TOE CURLING ORGASMS AND SAYS YOU HAVE KISSABLE SKIN AND RUNWAY MODEL HAIR....WHILE INTOXICATED WITH HIS BEST FRIEND. AND THEN HE SENDS YOU CUTE SELFIES OF THEM!!!!!!! WTF MORE DO YOU WANT FROM LIFE!!! DIE HAPPY ALREADY LADY!!!
Nothing quite like spending your evening singing Shania Twain I Feel Like a Woman barbershop quartet Style with some homeless guys outside of Keyport liquor. love Shania Twain. How's your Sunday?
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