You couldn't find any paper towel to clean up the wine you spilled, so you tried to use her cat.
ooh i remember now. Not very absorbent.
Just saw a baby with a T-shirt that read "I am the result of my mother forgetting to take her magic pills". I can't believe they make shit like that.
I just sniffled when I woke up and got a bump of coke. I have never felt so good hung over.
I don't know where Tiffany is but I just saw her shoes in the bar lost and found
You made out with a guy who refers to his cock as "rafiki." Are you proud of yourself?
Just found out I called my mom at six in the morning to ask where the bong was. I win.
I made a Russian puke. I outdrank a Russian. I am unstoppable.
Yea I saw a friend of yours carrying your limp body somewhere
Word of advice, don't put your jar if peanut butter in the microwave, blue fire comes out
He is 30 (that's 8 years older than I am) and uses more Emojis than I do. Problem?
Glad I can drunkenly remember to not get tomatoes on my Mexican pizza but can't tell a guy to keep his hands off my ass
he brings me coffee and gets a blow job. not sure if I trained him or he trained me or it's simply mutually beneficial beautiful.
I am so not sober enough to have a 5 minute conversation in Spanish
We lost you in the bar so we waited outside for you...next thing you know you kick open the doors and yell "I'M ALIVE"
no no no no you can't just say your dirtiest secret is "i sat on goldfish by accident once" and just leave i have QUESTIONS
AT LEAST TELL ME IF THE GOLDFISH WAS STILL IN A BOWL??????????????
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