My new sobriety test is "how many times do I have to attempt to put toothpaste on my brush"... It takes a while.
it only took me 1 hour to write 8 pages. i'm never doing school work without adderall ever again.
Buying a large dominoes pizza for a wasted 3 mile walk is the best bad idea ever. My mouth is on fire, probably broke my hand, and i may or may not have eaten street pizza.
How did you break your hand eating pizza?
Boxes are hard to see rocks through.
Me. blonde. Sex. Dance floor.
It's like a toaster oven for my penis
WHY DO I WANT TO FUCK EVERY GUY THAT BREATHES
You know, you have a good excuse now if you have a poor performance. Just say "what do you expect? I took a paintball to the DICK!!"
I think I'm done drinking. How did we end up partying at a frat house with my mom...
Everybodys gonna want to make out w me dressed as big bird
Big bird is like some childhood daddy fantasy come true for carnival
Listen it's no longer the walk of shame to class when ur leaving the frat house and the brothers ask "when are coming back home"
The day i have a fb album titled " I have become a townie" you can shoot me in the foot and tell me to get my life together
I need a life alert for his random dick pics. My heart can't handle that.
my brother has friends over and I can hear one of them screaming from the basement "BREATHE. FILL YOUR LUNGS. LIVE YOUR LIFE." and it sounds like he's doing some motivational speaking down there but that's actually just how he encourages ppl to take bong hits
And now let us go forth, and be garbage people in public.
Isn't that our default mode?
Yep. Just fucked a 34 year old on the football field where we both went to high school. That's a story for the grandkids.
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