I'm sitting next to this guy at the bar. I wrote him a little song in my head it goes "there is no fucking chance you're getting in my pants" gonna sing it to him after he buys me another drink.
my FASA form asked what i spent the majority of my 08 earnings on, im tempted to put "booze, blow, & blunts"
I got you a housewarming gift. It starts with "A" and ends with "bottle of Jameson"
The lifeguard told us we had to move Mike before the tide came in when he passed out.
We decided we needed a drinks fridge in our bathroom.
i tried to climb in the window in the limo because i wanted the driver to take me to get noodles. ive reached a new level of fat kid
She told me she's dating him because his apartment is a block from Taco Bell. I don't know how she's not fat.
spending today hungover and untagging myself from all the pictures of me kissing girls so grandma doesnt have a heart attack. how was your new years?
My dad sent me a 10 ft beer bong and my mom sent me ideas for future careers. I'll let you guess who my favorite parent is. Also, come over tonight. and bring beers.
I appreciate alcohol much more now that I have to be sober sometimes
Who breaks their ankle the day before a beach wedding? This guy. Maybe this is karma for fucking someone's wife? Idk.
I found it. now I'm going to the gym to be "healthy" or whatever that folklore is called.
Is there a classy way to tell him that to thank him for his service I would like to put his dick in my mouth?
"Happy Veterans Day! Now pull down your pants."
If that orgasm indicates how the rest of the year is going to go, I need to buy rain boots.
Nothing says happy Monday quite like coffee and oral sex.
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