Kicked off drink for Jesus month by puking in my mouth while talking to my priest...real cool
Interestingly im still mad at you for the time we got high and you tried to hump me.
Lol thats a classic
NEWS FLASH: A bottle of wine can fit into a taco bell cup.
I was relieved after I found the unopened condom in my pocket. Then I found the open one in the other pocket..
Yeah, I wouldn't mind getting fingered in the corner of a dive bar again.
Please don't be alarmed by the blood on my arms and phone in the morning. It's not mine.
HOLY FUCK I JUST GOT WOKEN UP BY THUNDER!!!!!
I THINK I SHARTED
She just lifted up her dress, screamed "This is gonna be a good one!" And pissed on the pole...
I'm in the fetal position watching the little mermaid and trying not to die. When do you come home?
I'm happy in my shell. My shell which consists of keeping guys in the friend zone and me masturbating...
Oh yeah. I pretty much fucked the universes brains out lastnight. It was glorious.
All I've done today is make sangria and wonder what the hell I'm doing with my life.
Also, totally got laid in my yellow rubber boots and it was awesome.
Two old ladies openly mocked me this morning at drunk breakfast. Is it time to reevaluate my life choices?
The first thing he said was that my underwear smelled like Trix but then he looked up at me and whispered "Silly rabbit, vagina is for me."
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