how do I set my phone to only ring when I'm asleep when sex is certain?
someone, somewhere in austin has to have a muppet
everyone who works at gamestop is basically destined to live with their parents for the rest of their lives... so i said no.
After New Year's Eve I will be hibernating my life away. Only wake me up for skiing, schnapps, and sex. In that order.
the night got glorious when you tried to do an upside down keg stand with a near empty key and dropped it on your face
college stoner meal of the day: microwaved nutrigrain bars
cashier rang me up and said, "white people are funny." like i'm NOT the only white person to buy just lettuce & 40 glow sticks
He's talking about how great of a find these dollar store condoms were. Help.
I never want to do this again, I'm going to chew off several fingers and apply for disability
This guy dressed as a piece of paper for Halloween, I felt it was only necessary to sign his penis
I never thought wine and chicken nuggets would end up being a thing that I did, but here we are
All I want to do is shower, but there is a keg in there.
I'm pretty sure the cop knew you were drunk when you tried to light your cigg with a chapstick.
You were telling everyone in the bar that Jess gave you scurvy.
She called a 10 year old handsome and we gave her a look that was equal parts confused and “what the hell is wrong with you”
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