Dear Mark, please dispose of your crusty mcdonalds napkins used to jerk it at my desk
discrete masterbation is a lost art
I did my dad and i had to keep going back there to pick up coffee
please read the first 4 words of that text and consider punctuation
My girlfriend and my fuck buddy both started their periods this weekend. The good news is, neither of them are pregnant. The bad news is, I'll have to find someone else to fuck til next weekend. No wait.....that's good news too.
your friend did not want a bj. we need to leave. this is very awkward.
I don't think going to Relay for Life and painting our faces while everyone stares at us is a sufficent late night after the bars.
Look I know it's late and I hope this doesn't wake you up but I feel like you should know that I'm sleeping on my couch in my own apartment so that my friend can get laid in my bed, and I would do the same for you.
I lost a little respect for your boyfriend when I learned that he has a scar from a Cheerio.
3 things I learned last night: 1.) I'm not as light as I used to be. 2.) Sex on the roof of a convertible is a really bad idea. 3.) The hospital now has super glue pens for sealing minor cuts instead of stitches!
If a vagina could give out awards, you should be preparing an acceptance speech.
I had not one but two drunk coworkers text me and hit on me tonight. I feel like I've finally been accepted into my dysfunctional workplace
I woke up and found cookies in my purse. It's a 12/12/12 miracle.
Chipotle just hit me... I want to go sit in the corner of the shower and cry until morning.
He fucking took my shirt off and didn't even touch my boobs. What the actual fuck.
Can't. Way too high. Forgot how to operate doors. Stuck outside.Come get me.
She shaved her vagina in my bed. Good night
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